I grew up in one of the most modern and revolutionary countries in the world - France. Regardless of the story of my “enlightened” ancestors, regardless of all of these strong women who fought once for our future like Simone Veil with the abortion, my country as many other western countries is still very conservative when it comes to sexuality. From outside, people fantasize a myth of the French women who are never afraid of talking about sex or asking for pleasure. I mean, we invented the French kiss. That says a lot, right ? Well, let me tell you something, wherever you’re from, it doesn’t change anything. Your gender will always make a difference.
I learned as many other women around the world that my body was a society’s property and my sexuality a taboo. It always has been and it will always be. Sex in general is something really gendered. Men deserve pleasure, are free to do whatever they want to whoever they want when we are submitted to a judgment. During our whole life, we are judged for the respect or disrespect of our little flower given too early or not to the wrong gardener. We’re growing up with a countdown that will define our right to the dignity. From the moment we start being sexually active, we learn to count, not how many orgasms we could get but how many partners we're allowed to have before crossing the thin slutty line. We learn to be judgmental with ourselves but also with the intimacy of our sisters. I have been one of those girls who criticized other women for the guys they were dating and their ability to “give themselves that easily”. Like many other people, I truly believed that women and men’s sexuality couldn’t be compared. Why ? Because men can handle to have a reputation of a Don Juan, when we should be treated with respect and romance for the love of God. We are born weak, pure and without defense, when sex is only nastiness. From this statement, we are educated to be shocked, frustrated and censored. We are programmed to give pleasure without asking for a round trip. Same with masturbation, a practice that we shouldn’t even know.
For the major part of their lives, men are touching themselves daily when most of the women are discovering their bodies in their 20s, being ashamed of what they’re about to do. Once we’re finally brave enough to flip all of those archaic clichés off, we still feel guilty, scared that someone finds out. One day, a dude that I was dating told me, “there are only two different ways to feel after masturbating yourself. You’re whether ashamed or you feel gross.” For him, there was no middle which is not that surprising. When it’s about women’s sexuality, it’s always a question of extremes. You can be a nun or a nympho, you’re not enough into it or too much. There’s always negativity in the way we’re talking about sex. But what if it’s fine for us ? What if we all agree on the idea that we deserve as much pleasure as men ? No choice, you just have to make your own walk of shame and be OK with being a “Marie, couche-toi là !”* - a very French expression to imply that you’re basically an easy girl.
Joanna Valdant
